When your daughter is in a Domestic Violence (DV) relationship, you are helpless to save her. DV victims are in a perpetual state of denial that mother’s love and wisdom cannot penetrate. Her partner is firmly in control of her mind and influences her every move. He now rules with an iron fist. All of the mother’s warnings and pleadings go unheeded. As a mother, you spend many sleepless nights worrying about your daughter and the kids. You fear something dreadful will happen. If the phone rings late at night you are terrified to answer it. “Oh God! How can I save my child?”
You know that your daughter is caught up in the cycle of violence. He beats her at the slightest provocation. He wreaks havoc on her and the children, ranting, and raving. There is confusion, accusations, violent, abusive language and chaos. He demeans her character and attacks her self-confidence until she has lost all sense of self. You can hardly believe this is the beautiful self-assured individual you raised. Every time you see her, she has a new set of bruises and black eyes.
You have no opportunity to shore up her self-confidence before he comes back with flowers, gifts, tickets to the concert etc. He apologizes for his behavior and promises that he will never do it again. At the same time, he blames her for making him so mad that he had to beat her. He makes mad passionate love to her and all is forgiven. The first half of the cycle is now complete. Shortly thereafter he loses his temper again and beats her again. She refuses to call the police and press charges. Now! What can you do? Nothing but watch and worry. Every time you complain about her being in a DV situation and offer your assistance, she blames you for causing trouble. Your insistence that she needs help only alienates her from you.
Sometimes these victims awaken too late to extricate themselves from the situation. The stay there until they are killed. They cannot believe he is an abuser and that you were right all along. They crave the rare moments of romanticism and kindness they experienced in the early days of the relationship when their partners romanced them into the relationship. He brought flowers and gifts, took her out to romantic spots and made mad passionate love. That was the good days.